if only two

brilliant. i watched a large part of a documentary on a composer tonight that was nothing short of brilliant. renowned and famous and just crazy enough to be a magnificent musical mind. 70 years old and still writing, composing, scoring.

as a part of the documentary the composer's wife emotionally admits their paths are parting as a result of his overwhelming love for music to the neglect of his family. but it isn't unlike the stories of so many great writers, composers, artists, and unfortunately, evangelists and historic foundational christian leaders.

so focused on a gift, passion, or call, the most basic of calls falls neglected and atrophied. family finds last place. wesley is the great spiritual father of the methodist and wesleyan movements, yet he was an insufficient husband at best...i have heard the same of moody and many other great spiritual fathers of the church. so emboldened by the gospel to reach the masses, the few, the families were left behind.

like every young musician and artist i longed to be known, to make an impact, to change the world...like every young musician, those dreams were mixed full of impure motives and imperfect desires. now a bit older i no longer feign at fame and have little or no desire to be known across america and/or the world for my abilities and gifts.

a large part of that is family. i am not always the father and husband i long to be, but when it comes down to it, i am a father and i am a husband. i am not just a person living in the same house. i am father to brennan brave and liam noble and husband to cynthia lisabeth and at the most basic, this is my first call. God has given me a wife and children for a reason.

do i want to see thousands and thousands of thousands come to know Jesus? yes. do i want to advance God's kingdom at the expense of the kingdom he has placed within my own home? no.

and this is the very reason i will, with most likelihood, never be famous, and i will likely never be known, because i will not do what so many have done: work harder at work than at family.

if i reach only two, if only brennan and liam stand before the throne of my Lord redeemed and in love with Jesus more than life... than i did exactly what God has asked me to do.

now ask yourself this question...especially if you have a problem with this...why does this make you uncomfortable? why is there part of you that wants to barb back with, "just make sure you do everything you can." or "you better not pass up an opportunity God puts in front of you." or even, "your wife and kids will understand if..."

sounds like pharisee talk. sounds like law disguised as freedom. sounds like legalism pretending to be the gospel.

you likely have one of three responses to this. either you completely disagree, you are uncomfortable with the idea but don't know why, or this is refreshing and possibly freeing for you.

all i can say is....be free. for i would rather not be known at all in the story of history because of only reaching two, than to be known for reaching thousands at the detriment to my own wife and children. this to me would be complete failure.